Monday, November 19, 2012

Thoughts of Christ, the crucifixion and life for us instead of sin.
Isaiah 55:1-7
1 John 4:19

Our nature and actions sent him to the cross, yet he still gave us a choice; what manner of love? I'm lost in my thoughts, thinking about what I would do if I were he, especially if I possessed the ability to change destinies and life in general.  I am cos of him, my dreams, aspirations, abilities, its all because of Him.But all too soon i get distracted by the many vices that seem to compete for my attention. I heed to self,  the status quo seem all too easy, why give that up for hope, an idiosyncrasy that may never materialize. the thrills and frills of life, too much luxury i can enjoy, give it all up? sacrifice my flesh, you call that faith? 

lies I tell myself just before I go to sleep that everything I thought, Said and did was the best I could do. I exist in a mushed up reality , a labyrinth of idealisms that end up in a cul de sac.I refuse to be driven into a place of guilt or remorse that I'm falling into the same  proclivity, a slipping slope I repented for yesterday. 

So why did he choose to still Love me inspite of my mess and continuos nailing of his hands and feets to the cross. The times I blatantly refused his gestures and decide to dwell in my filth. He tore the veil so I have direct access, but I refuse to enter. I retreat and run farther away from the throne by my preferences In thoughts, attitude and  existence.

I have failed him, time and time again I refuse to trust; I rely on my seeming ability to solve the puzzles of my life. I underestimate the extent to which he cares and is willing to carry me. I spit on his face, trying to make a statement, screaming at the top of my voice that I do not need him. Oh how mistaken I was, my lungs burn for lack of oxygen, my body infested by the viruses of darkness, I am blinded by cataracts of doubt and disbelief, it's an abyss, it's all a blur, all I see are ground glass opacities.

How did I let him go? How did I give up my first love? What happened to the bond that was never meant to be broken?  I gave up too soon, unlike Job Who although his flesh perished and his life reduced to nothing,still trusted and praised, I cursed  at God and told him time and time again I could do life all by myself. I refused to see that his love surpassed my lowest estate. There seemed to be no exit for my human dilemma.

But there was Love, the kind that transcended my willingness to accept or refuse, the kind that saw past the blemishes of my filth, the kind that was remission and not just forgiveness. Love shown to me as grace, undeserved but sufficiently abundant. An answer to every question that lurked in the dark recesses of my mind. A light that illuminates the mysteries of life and living, I am reminded that despite my own actions to retreat, this love pulls me ever closer to my God.

Lord I'm grateful for everything, I'm so unworthy but yet you call me your own. Your arms constantly surround me and each time you whisper in that still, calm tone that I am yours, all my fears are melted and my life has a new direction. I thank you for the times I felt like I was drowning, and for the strong arms that rescued me, for the breathe of life you give every time I get cyanotic from my actions. i cant seem to shake off the feeling of just wanting to bask in your presence. i love it here, i love the warmth of your embrace, i love the certainty of your love, i like the feeling of assurance that you have me all figured out.

And like oil upon ur feet, like wine for you to drink, like water from my heart, i pour my love on u, if praise is like perfume, i lavish mine on u, till every drop is gone, i will pour my love on you.

Seleipiri Iboroma Akobo
November 2012

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